In what royal watchers are already calling “the final death rattle of the British monarchy’s dignity,” explosive new evidence has surfaced proving once and for all that Meghan Markle is indeed penning the most explosive, boundary-smashing, fact-optional memoir in publishing history.
Our tireless team of highly-paid clickbait journalists has obtained what insiders are breathlessly describing as **“the actual cover”** of the long-rumoured bombshell book – and yes, it’s worse than anyone could have predicted.
The cover reportedly features Meghan in soft sepia tones, wearing a cream cashmere turtleneck, gazing soulfully into the middle distance while holding what appears to be either a very important fountain pen or the last surviving piece of the Queen’s broken corgi tiara. The title? Sources close to the situation whisper it’s simply:
**“As Ever: My Truth, Their Lies, and Several Other People’s Husbands”**
But here’s the real tea – you don’t even have to wait until the £29.99 hardback drops in autumn 2026 (with optional scented pages of “Montecito Morning Mist” for the deluxe edition).
**Thanks to a revolutionary new invention called “a table on the internet,” literally anyone can now generate their very own Meghan Markle bombshell revelation right now – for free!**
No more waiting for Netflix to greenlight the dramatisation. No more begging Markus Anderson for crumbs. No more scrolling through 47 parts of an Omid Scobie thread. Just pick one name from Column A, one action from Column B, one unhinged verb from Column C, and one bewildered victim from Column D – and congratulations, you’ve just written Chapter 7.
Here are just a few of the authentic, straight-from-the-source, Meghan-approved (probably) revelations our readers have already created using this powerful new technology:
– **Prince Harry wanted to sleep with Prince Andrew**
(The book is apparently very clear that this was a “deeply spiritual request” and had nothing to do with the lighting in Frogmore Cottage.)
– **Kate Middleton decided to destroy Rose Hanbury**
(Allegedly over a disagreement about which shade of Farrow & Ball is most appropriate for silent passive-aggressive warfare.)
– **Queen Elizabeth advised me to invade Netflix**
(According to the leaked manuscript, this was whispered during their final private audience while both were enjoying a cheeky slice of Victoria sponge.)
– **Prince Philip ordered me to occupy Buckingham Palace**
(With a very specific 17-point plan involving lavender candles and the immediate removal of all corgi-themed cushions.)
– **Oprah Winfrey hoped to cook Sussex**
(Side note: the recipe apparently calls for “two cups of inherited trauma, a pinch of Montecito sea salt, and a whole lot of screaming into a void.”)
– **I tried to assassinate Trevor Engelson**
(This one is said to be in the deleted chapter titled “Things That Sound Dramatic But Were Actually Just Divorce Papers.”)
The public response has been overwhelming. Twitter (now known as X, again, for the third time) is ablaze with thousands of custom revelations being generated every minute. Historians are already warning that the British monarchy may never recover from the discovery that **Prince William demanded to eat Pippa Middleton** (served medium-rare with a side of invisibility).
Meanwhile, Kensington Palace has issued its traditional statement:
“We do not comment on works of fiction, satire, fever dreams, or things people make up on the internet at 3 a.m.”
Buckingham Palace, curiously, has remained completely silent – leading many to speculate that they are currently busy trying to work out whether **“As Ever chose to seize the UK”** is defamation, a war crime, or just Thursday.
So dear reader, while the so-called “real” book is still being edited by seventeen fact-checkers, three sensitivity readers, and one very tired lawyer, you can get ahead of the curve. Grab your imaginary pen. Select your chaos. Create your truth.
Because in 2026, if Meghan Markle didn’t say it… you can just make it up and attribute it to her anyway.
*As ever.*
(And yes – the link is still in the bio. Obviously.) 😏
