Leaked Buckingham Palace Statement: Official Apology to Meghan Markle
The Royal Family wishes to extend its sincerest apologies to Meghan, Duchess of Sussex.
We apologise for granting her a globally televised wedding costing British taxpayers over £30 million complete with castles, choirs, gowns, and horse-drawn carriages only for her to later describe the institution as a nightmare.
We regret awarding her the courtesy of a royal title, Frogmore Cottage (renovated at £2.4 million public expense), full-time staff, 24/7 security, and access to priceless jewels, all of which clearly failed to meet her Hollywood expectations.
We apologise for providing her with global recognition, a Duchess title, and a platform powerful enough to land multimillion-dollar Netflix and Spotify deals which somehow still collapsed under her boundless ‘talent.’
We regret giving her every opportunity for success, from royal tours to charity patronages, which she abandoned the moment a more lucrative grift presented itself. And of course, we’re deeply sorry that despite all this, she has yet to produce anything of lasting cultural value beyond complaints and staged photo ops.
We also apologise for the kindness of His Majesty (then Prince Charles) walking her down the aisle gestures she repaid with accusations, interviews, and endless grievances.
We must especially apologise for enabling her all the opportunities she got, courtesy of the Royal name, which astonishingly still collapsed under the sheer weight of her mediocrity.
Despite palaces, platforms, titles, and tiaras, Meghan Markle has achieved the rare feat of turning privilege into perpetual victimhood. For that, the Crown takes full responsibility.
Truly, we underestimated her unique ability to squander every platform she was gifted. For that, Meghan, the Royal Family is deeply apologetic.”
…and to the public, we extend our deepest apologies for asking them to endure her endless self-pity tours, recycled sob stories, and desperate attempts to stay relevant despite being handed every privilege imaginable. In hindsight, we should have issued earplugs instead of a title.
P.S. Please stay tuned for our forthcoming apology to our Spare, Harry it deserves a full statement of its own.
Tired of this woman, Leave us alone, do your thing, you are not even that interesting anymore.
We do not care what you do, say, or think anymore. You have had your day. Be good to your father, brother and sister if you still can.