In the Before Times—also known as “the years Meghan Markle was just another working actress who once appeared on a legal drama no one remembers”—she confidently declared to anyone who would listen (which, let’s be honest, was approximately 47 people, most of them crew members on *Suits* Season 3):
“America doesn’t really have tabloids the way you do in the UK. It’s just… different here.”
Oh, Meghan. Sweet, optimistic, briefcase-carrying Meghan.
Fast-forward through one royal wedding, several Oprah interviews, a Netflix deal, a Spotify podcast that lasted about as long as a bag of frozen peas, two kids named after historical footnotes, and one very public exit stage left from the Firm… and suddenly the American tabloids have discovered something truly shocking:
They DO have tabloids.
They’ve always had tabloids.
And honey, they’ve been saving up years of pent-up headline energy just for this moment.
The difference, darling, isn’t some mythical “cultural sophistication” that magically evaporates the second a Windsor-adjacent celebrity steps on U.S. soil.
The difference is relevance.
Before Prince Harry, Meghan Markle was not tabloid bait.
She was “Rachel Zane” on USA Network.
She was the girl who blogged about avocado toast before it was a war crime.
She was “that actress who dated the prince” for maybe five minutes on Google Trends before everyone moved on to the next Kardashian-adjacent drama.
In other words: she simply wasn’t famous enough to be worth the ink.
American tabloids are not polite creatures. They are apex predators that only hunt when the prey is large, shiny, and dripping with drama. They ignored Meghan the way lions ignore gazelles that weigh 98 pounds soaking wet and have zero interesting secrets. Boring. Pass. Next enclosure.
Then came Harry.
Suddenly she had:
– A tiara
– A title
– A very public feud with the future king
– Allegations of crying bridesmaids
– Allegations of crying flower girls
– Allegations of crying over flower arrangements
– A whole Netflix series explaining how she cried while everyone else apparently cried harder
– And, most importantly, a British accent by marriage (the ultimate American tabloid catnip)
The moment she became “Duchess Difficult,” “Hollywood’s Royal Headache,” and “The Woman Who Made the Windsors Go Quiet for Once,” the switch flipped.
TMZ started camping outside Montecito like it was Coachella.
The New York Post discovered they could sell approximately 400,000 extra copies by putting “MEGHAN” in 172-point font.
Page Six began treating her Montecito grocery runs like they were state funerals.
And *Us Weekly*? They now have an entire wing of their office dedicated to “Meghan Markle Facial Expression Analysis” (spoiler: it’s always “smug” or “victim” depending on the lighting).
So yes, America has tabloids.
They’ve had them since the days when yellow journalism was literally printed on yellow paper.
They’ve had them through Liz Taylor, Britney Spears, the Kardashians, Johnny Depp v. Amber Heard, and every Real Housewife meltdown ever televised.
They just never bothered with Meghan Markle… because why would they?
She was a C-lister with good hair and a reusable coffee cup.
The second she leveled up to “internationally polarizing royal-adjacent chaos agent,” the tabloids did what tabloids do: they pounced.
And they’re not stopping anytime soon.
Because nothing sells better in America than a former actress who:
1. Married a prince
2. Left the palace in tears
3. Wrote a book about it
4. Made a Netflix series about it
5. Started a lifestyle brand about it
6. And still insists she’s “just a California girl” while living behind gates taller than most people’s self-esteem
So the next time someone reminds you of Meghan’s famous “America doesn’t have tabloids” quote, feel free to reply with the only culturally appropriate response left in 2026:
“They do now, babe.
And they’re eating you for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and the exclusive after-dinner mint photo spread.”
Welcome to the big leagues, Duchess.
The tabloids have always been here.
You just weren’t interesting enough to notice them before.
As ever. 😏
