MEGHAN MASSACRED: Spitting Image Just Dropped the Most Savage Five Minutes in Television History**
London, 30 November 2025 – Spitting Image returned last night and immediately committed what royal watchers are already calling “career homicide.”
The cold open is pure nightmare fuel. A hyper-real latex Meghan (eyes the size of dinner plates, smile bolted on) bursts into a casting room clutching headshots like a life rafts. She launches into a melodramatic monologue from some forgotten 2012 Canadian cop show. The puppet casting directors don’t even let her finish the first line before they’re doubled over, howling, “Too ethnic for the girlfriend, too American for the villain, too unknown for the bloody corpse!”
Cue montage: Meghan puppet begging for a walk-on in a yogurt commercial (“I can do wholesome!”), being laughed out of a Hallmark Christmas movie (“We need snow, not Suits!”), and finally sobbing in a bathroom stall while clutching a rejection stamp that reads “Northwestern degree not accepted here.”
Then the cruelty goes nuclear. The audition room dissolves into Buckingham Palace. The entire royal family sits in judgment. Camilla sips gin from a teacup. William and Kate smirk in perfect unison. The Queen puppet, crown tilted, corgi chewing a script, leans forward and delivers the line that instantly broke the internet:
“Thank you, Miss Markle. After careful consideration, we’ve decided to go in another direction… literally any direction that doesn’t involve you.”
The studio audience screams for thirty straight seconds. Cut to black.
By 6 a.m. the clip had 62 million views across platforms. #SpittingImageMeghan sat at global number one for twelve hours. Even the normally rabid Sussex Squad accounts went completely dark; one major fan page simply posted a black square and the caption “We need time.”
The Sun splashed “PUPPETGEDDON” across its front page. Piers Morgan tweeted a single crying-laughing emoji and the words “Per the segment ends with Meghan puppet alone on stage, spotlight harsh, clutching a single participation trophy that slowly cracks in half.
Production insiders say the writers watched every surviving audition tape they could find. “It wrote itself,” one told reporters. “Every tearful callback, every desperate ‘I can do Canadian accent,’ every Hallmark line reading; comedy plutonium.”
In Montecito, the lights reportedly went off at 9 p.m. Pacific and haven’t come back on. Friends say Meghan cancelled everything for the next ten days, including the Netflix holiday special press junket. One source close to the couple whispered, “She hasn’t stopped crying since the first viewing. Harry just keeps repeating ‘it’s only puppets’ while pouring whisky.”
Netflix has quietly pulled all promotion for With Love, Meghan: Holiday Celebration “until further notice.”
Meanwhile, BritBox crashed twice from the surge of people rewatching the sketch on repeat.
Spitting Image has skewered prime ministers, popes, and presidents, but never this personally, never this viciously. Five minutes of rubber and felt just achieved what years of tabloid headlines never could: they made the Duchess of Sussex, for once, completely speechless.
The puppets have spoken. And they’re still laughing.
